trinityday

Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000

Episode Eight

Sirius thudded into the living room and quite audibly plopped down into the
chair. No one looked up from their books. He sighed - loudly. Still no one
moved. He sighed again and then coughed when he was met with silence. He
deliberated for a moment, then reached over - straining because Lily was just
barely within arm’s reach - and tugged the girl’s hair.

Lily screeched and jumped up, clutching the back of her head. She reached for
her wand so quickly that Sirius probably would have been cursed before he even
realized what was happening, let alone had the chance to defend himself, even
with the advance warning, having had provoked Lily in the first place except
that Lily had left her wand in her room.

“Now that I have your attention,” Sirius said, proving once again that he
had no common sense - or at least no fear - by ignoring all the danger signs of
an irate Lily, “finally - ”

“ - attention?” Lily began in an ominously low voice. “Attention?”
her voice rose several octaves.

“Yes, attention,” Sirius repeated. “And it worked, didn’t it?”

“But he pulled my hair!”

“Oh, come off it, Lily,” James said. “So he pulled your hair. He’s
down worse. I’ve done worse, and I’m your boyfriend. Hell, I’m sure
even Peter has done worse.”

“But it hurt!” Lily protested.

“Since when are you such a wuss?” Sirius asked.

“Since when are you such an ass?” she countered.

“Since when wasn’t he?” Remus asked. “Really, this is getting
us no where. Sirius, apologize to Lily. Lily, forgive him and forget about it.”

“Just be glad he doesn’t have his wand on him,” James said lazily. “If
he did, then you’d have real reason to be mad at him.”

“Why don’t we see what Sirius wants,” Remus said hastily, before Lily
could retort and escalate the argument even further.

“Yes,” James agreed. “Sirius, what is it?”

Sirius, who had been leaning forward and watching the proceedings avidly,
blinked. “What?” he asked. “What is what?”

“What is it that you were trying to get our attention for, blockhead,”
James said.

“Who’re you calling a blockhead?” Sirius asked. He seemed intent on
being antagonistic, one way or another, and was doing a good job at succeeding.

“You, you blockhead,” James said. “Now stop it before I go get
Lily’s wand for her.”

“Fine. I’m bored.”

“That’s it?” Lily asked. “That’s what this is all about? You’re bored?”

“Uh huh,” Sirius answered in the affirmative.

“We went through all that because you were bored?”

“Uh huh,” repeated Sirius.

“I am going to kill you,” Lily said, deceptively calm. James and Remus
exchanged a worried look, honestly afraid Lily might go through with her threat.
But before either of them could separate the two warring opponents, the Snape
appeared.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, although it was apparent to all
present that he didn’t really care if he was or not.

“Yes, actually,” Lily said. “I’m about to kill Sirius.”

Snape actually looked taken aback. “Well, then, never mind. Don’t let me
stop you.” It was disconcerting hearing him speak to his enemies without his
trademark sarcasm. When Lily didn’t move right away, he added, “No, really.
If you kill Black, I’ll even let you out of reading the bad fic for today.”

“No thank you, Snape,” James said. “Unlike some people present,
Gryffindors don’t stab their companions in the back for some measly prize or
prestige.”

“Speak for yourself, James,” Lily said, eyeing Sirius ardently, “I
think it’s a fair trade-off.”

Sirius looked unconcerned. “I suppose reading bad fic will alleviate my
boredom,” he mused. “I prefer the entertainment I was getting earlier at
Lily’s expense, but it’s better than nothing.”

“I’m telling you,” Lily said, “I’ll do it. I’d chose killing
Sirius over bad fic any day.”

Severely disappointed that, for all her tough words, Lily didn’t look like
she was going to do anything and he would not see his arch-nemesis disemboweled
that day, Snape said, “Get Pettigrew and be in the theatre in two minutes.”

“I still say killing Sirius would have been a good trade-off,” Lily
grumbled as they left the living room.

“You say that now,” Remus said, “but I’m sure you’d be sorry in the
morning.”

“I doubt it.”

“Don’t worry, Lil, I’m sure it wasn’t a one-time offer. There’s
always another day,” James said condolingly.

Sirius, who was remarkably blasé about hearing his own murder being planned,
now said, “Hey! You’re supposed to be my best friend.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to kill you at times,” James said.
“Or most of the time.”

“Everyone’s against me today!” Sirius lamented.

“I wonder why,” Remus muttered sarcastically.

“At least I can count on Peter to be on my side,” Sirius said. “Speaking
of which - PETE!” he hollered.

“What?” Peter asked, coming into the hall.

“Bad fic time.”

“Again?” Peter moaned.

“Hey, don’t blame me,” Lily said. “I almost got us out of it for
today, but James didn’t think it would be a good idea to kill Sirius.”

Peter looked at her in confusion. “I’m sure that makes perfect sense to
the rest of you,” he said, “but I’m just as happy not knowing.”

“Let’s hurry,” Remus said, looking down at his watch. “We don’t
have much time left.”

Silver Eyes

It was a new day at Hogwalts and all was well with the merry band of Marudars.

REMUS: Meanwhile, in Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood and his merry men seethed
and thought of ways to sue for copyright infringement.

SIRIUS: Robin Hood and his men weren’t known as marauders, Remus.

JAMES: Well, I’m sure they were by the king.

SIRIUS: There wasn’t a king around when Robin Hood was there.

JAMES (rolls his eyes): Fine, Sirius. I’m sure they were by whoever was in
charge, including the any members of England’s law enforcement at the time.

REMUS: Which reminds me, is it just me or do bad fic authors enjoy referring
to us as ‘marauders’? Really, we weren’t that bad at school.

PETER: You keep track of these things? I tend to forget the fics as soon as I
leave the theatre.

REMUS (impressed): You can do that? Please, tell me how? No matter what I do,
I don’t seem to be able to burn the memory of these atrocities from my mind.

PETER: Listen closely, young apprentice, and learn from the master . . .

They were happy people because they had lots of parnks to pull on Sliteryns.

LILY: That about sums the four of you up.

REMUS: That’s not entirely fair, Lily. We do other things as well.

SIRIUS (to James): I don’t know . . .that about sums the two of us up!

LILY: Well, I don’t care. I’m still mad that I was forced into reading
this bad fic today when I had a perfect opportunity to get out.

JAMES: Oh, Lily, stop going on about that! We - don’t
- care.

But 1 day somthing new and difrent happend. Dumldor called a asembly of all
the Hogwerts students.

"Oh, wow!!!" Lillly said to James. "There is going to be a
asemlblie. Maybe someting new is going to happen!!!!!"

REMUS: Just to reiterate, one day something new happened. Next, Lily wonders
if something new is going to happen. This is a gem of a story we have here!

PETER: She’s wrong, you know. Dumbledore never calls assemblies. The
closest thing to an assembly that we have is the Welcoming Feast on the first of
September.

JAMES: And so far that is the only detail the author has gotten wrong, after
all.

"I thinbk that might be right," James said to L:ily. "The
Hedmaster only calls assemblys when new things happen."

SIRIUS: Hey - do you think something new is going to happen?

"Unless their differnt things," Remus added. "Becuz Dumdore
calls asmblies for diferent things sometims."

REMUS: So we have spent the last four paragraphs establishing that either
something new or something different is about to happen.

SIRIUS: Or something new.

JAMES: Yes, Sirius. Don’t make me regret keeping Lily from killing you.

LILY: I already regret it.

JAMES: We know.

"Or maybe they will be new and dirfent," Sirius sugested.

PETER: Stop it already! We know!

"Those r the best 1s!!!" Lilly said hapilly.

So they all went to see the assembly. Dumbledore waved at the students.
"Hi, students!!!!!" he said.

"Hi, Dumbledore!!!!!" they said.

"No that is not good," he said. "I cannot hear you."

PETER (as Dumbledore): I have finally begun going deaf. I’m already quite
senile, and have had to use spectacles since I went to Hogwarts - as a student,
not a professor or the headmaster - all those centuries ago. I decided to go
deaf and complete the trilogy of old age symptoms.

"HI, DUMBLEDORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they said.

"I can hear you now" Dumbledore said. "Now we r going to have
a transfer student from another world."

REMUS: Another world?

"Oh, wow!!!!" Lily said. "Another world like Africa?"

SIRIUS: No, Lily, Africa is not on another world. Africa is on planet Earth.

LILY: Unlike you. I don’t think anyone knows where you are.

"No Africa is another planet stupid" Severus sNape said.

JAMES: Some friendly advice, Snape. It’s generally a good idea to get your
facts straight before you correct someone. Otherwise you end up looking like an
ass.

SIRIUS: James, don’t make me kill you now.

JAMES: What? Why?

SIRIUS: Friendly? Snape?

JAMES: You’re right! I don’t know what I was thinking - if I was
thinking.

SIRIUS: You’re forgiven. This time. Just try not to let it happen again.
Besides, watching Snape make an ass out of himself is fun.

JAMES: Ah, yes, one of my favourite pastimes, along with Snape teasing, Snape
bashing - generally anything where Snape ends up looking bad is fun.

SIRIUS: Killing Snape.

"Your both wrong," Dumbledore said "Africa is part of Eurpe,
everone knows that."

PETER: Running gag. Cute. Except not.

"Oh ok" Lily said and Snape did not say anythin becuz he only new 4
words.

REMUS: Yet he said six earlier.

"But we r not getting an Africa student," Dubmledore said "we
are getting a girl.

JAMES: And no one from Africa is a girl.

She is not from Africa. She is from another world. It is not Africa. It is
callled Fairyland. There are no Africens there."

PETER: Enough! We get it! She’s not from Africa.

REMUS: This author seems to like pounding the point into you again and again
and again . . .

"Is she from Fairyland?" Peter asked.

PETER: Sure, the one time they actually put me in the story, they have me ask
a stupid question. Is she from Fairyland indeed!

"Yes she is" Dumbledore said.

REMUS: Ask a stupid question . . .

SIRIUS: If it’s raining in London and shooting stars in Kent, how long will
it take for a Flobberworm to eat through a patch of patchouli plants in
February?

REMUS (wearily): It’s a saying, Sirius, not an invitation.

"She is really from Fiaryland!!! That is so cool!!!!!!" Sirius
said.

"Yes. She is from the Fairyland" Dumbledore said. "Here she
is. Her name is Mystica Lake."

PETER: That’s a name?

SIRIUS: Look who’s talking, Peter Pettigrew.

PETER: What’s wrong with my name? My name’s perfectly normal. You’re
the one named Sirius.

JAMES: Much better than Remus Lupin.

REMUS: Please, leave me out of this conversation. And any future
conversations similar in nature.

A girl walked out to the assembly. she had long black hair and silvar eyes
that were very silver

REMUS: This repeating obvious information ad nauseum is really starting to
get annoying.

SIRIUS: Starting?

REMUS: It’s almost at the point where it’s as annoying as you are,
Sirius.

LILY: If only you had let me kill him when I wanted to, we would have had to
suffer through neither Sirius nor the bad fic.

PETER: Shut up already about killing Sirius!

and not grey even thoguh some people think they r the same color they r not
and her eyes r silvir not grey.

JAMES: Blah, blah, blah.

she also had silver wings that were transperent like glass if glass were
silver but it is not it is cllear so they were not like glass but they were
silver like her eyes.

JAMES: And more blah.

"Hi I am Mystica Alinor Eretria Lake!!!!" she said. "You can
all call me Mysti tho."

"Ok Mysti you can sit with us" Lily said.

"She has to be sorted" Dumbledre said.

"I do not want to be sorted" Mysti said

PETER: Tough. No one ever wants to be Sorted in the first place; we’re all
too scared.

SIRIUS: I wanted to.

JAMES: Well, you’re insane.

SIRIUS: You wanted to, too.

JAMES: Well, obviously I’m insane as well. Why else do you think the two of
us get along together so handsomely?

"Why" Dumbledore said "it does not hurt"

"it hurt me" Peter said

PETER: And it starts: the wimpification of me.

SIRIUS: Not a very long journey.

PETER: Lily, why didn’t you kill him when you had the chance?

LILY: What do you think I’ve been saying all along?

"that is becuz u r stoopid" Snape said

"i am not" Petr said

"yes u r" Snape said

"oh ok" Peter said

PETER: Oh, that was a convincing argument!

JAMES: It convinced you, didn’t it?

PETER: It convinced a fictional creature that shares the same name as me, but
otherwise doesn’t resemble me at all, yes. It convinced me, no.

SIRIUS: Wait - that wasn’t really you? And the author was doing such a good
job of convincing me that it was!

PETER: I hate you.

LILY: Me too.

"I do not care" Mysti said "I still do not want to be
sorted"

"why" Sirius said.

"Becuz I do not want to be here, I want to be home in Fairyland, because
u r all humen and I do not like humen" Mysti said

REMUS: Then don’t come to Hogwarts.

"You will like us later!!!!" Lily said. "We will be bff"

LILY: Please, spare me.

"no we will not" Mysti said

LILY: What she said.

"fine be that way!!!!!" Lily said

"I don't like u" James said "u r mean to Lilly and I love
Lily"

JAMES (to fictional James): I don’t like you. You don’t speak
properly and . . . well . . . you just seem stupid.

REMUS: Actually, James, his grammar was fairly decent, all things considered,
it was just the author wrote out short forms instead of words.

"no I love Lily" Snape said

JAMES: WHAT?

SIRIUS: Don’t worry, James. I’ll avenge you for that slight.

REMUS: More like you’ll do something to tease, embarrass or maim Snape -
possibly even a combination of all three - and when asked why, come up with that
‘slight’ as a flimsy excuse for your behaviour.

SIRIUS: That’s what I said.

"u do not matter" James said "Lily does not love u she loves
me"

"no she does not" Snape said

"yes I do" Lily said "and u r stupid and ugly so I would not
love u evin if I did not love James, so their"

"No one cars who u love" Dumbldor said.

PETER: You said it, Dumbledore!

"And Mysti has to be sorted"

"but I do not want to be" Mysti said

JAMES: We got that.

"I do not care" Dumbldoree said and put the sorting Hat on her head
and it spent a very lonng time trying to decide where to sort her. It made a
choice after long times had past.

REMUS: Stop with the repetition already!

"I will sort u in Gyfrender" the hat said

"what is Griffondyr" Myti said

SIRIUS: Coming into Hogwarts, and doesn’t even know what Gryffindor is! I
don’t think we want to have her.

"a house u stupid girl" the hat said "that is what we get for
letting fairyes come in the school"

So Mysti went to the Giferndor table. "Can I sit down" she said.

LILY: So now she wants to be our friend. How typical.

"No u r men go sit with the Sitherins," James said

Mysti began crying and ran away out of the hall

"That was mean James" Remus said

"I do not like her she was mean to Lily" James said

"that does not mean you should be mean to her" Remus said "you
should go be nice to her because she is new to this world"

PETER: Is - this - story - ever - going - to - end?

SIRIUS: No.

"I do not want to" James said"

"ok I will go" Remsus said but he could not because it was a ful
moon that night and he had to go to the hopsitl wing.

SIRIUS: Then you really shouldn’t’ve volunteered, Remus.

"that is ok I will go instead" Sirius said "because we should
all be nice to new people becuz kindnes maks the world go in circles"

SIRIUS: That made no sense. Even for me, that made no sense.

so Sirius went to find Mysti and he looked for a long time and he could not
find her. She was no where to be found. He looked some more but she was not
anywhere. He kept looking and then he herd crying sounds.

"Aha" he said "that must be her becuz she is cryng"

JAMES: Either that, or it’s an Augurey. Or maybe a stray Doxy, pretending
to cry to lure victims towards it.

REMUS: Doxies don’t do that, James.

JAMES: How do you know? Have you ever seen one do it?

REMUS: No.

JAMES: Exactly.

REMUS: James, that proves my point, not yours.

SIRIUS: Not quite, my good chap. You admitted that you never saw a Doxy
trying to lure its victims with fake crying, correct?

REMUS (reluctant to agree to anything Sirius ever says): Ye-e-es.

SIRIUS: You also admitted that you never saw a Doxy not trying to lure
its victims with fake crying. Quod erat demonstratum. Doxies can lure victims by
their crocodile tears.

REMUS (sighs): Why do I even try.

PETER: Because, no matter how many times they prove otherwise, you still
think from time to time that James and Sirius might respond to logic.

And he went around the corner and he found her. She was sitting on the air
crying becuz she is a fary and they can do that. "hi Mysti" he said

"go away" she said "u do not like me"

"yes I do" Sirius said

PETER: What are you, stupid? Don’t argue with the girl. Go away!

"no u do not" Mysti said "u r freinds with the mean boy who
was mean"

"he is not mean" Sirius said

REMUS: Please - God - let - this - end!

"yes he is" Mysti said "he told me to go awaay"

JAMES: And you turned around and told Sirius to go away. Does that make you
mean, too?

"u were mean to Lilly" Sirius said

"she is human and I do not like humens" Mysti said

"I am human do u like me" Sirius said

"no I do not" Mysti said "becuz Id o not like humns"

PETER: Do you like Remus, then, because he’s not human.

REMUS: And thank you, Peter, for bringing that up.

"we like u" Sirius said

"no u do not u r just saying that" Mysti said

"no I am not" Sirius said "we like u and we will be ur frends"

"really" said Mysti

"yes" said Sirius

LILY: This is worse than usual. Is it just me or does it seem like it’s
been going on forever.

JAMES: And ever.

SIRIUS: And ever.

"ok that is good" Mysti said and they were all friends.

REMUS: Oh good. Conflict resolved. End of story.

But a while later

REMUS: Damn!

they leaned Mysti had a secret, she was not what she had told them, she had a
misterious past

"Mysti is not what she said she is" James said

"she has a mysteryus past" Remus said

SIRIUS: Even I think this is getting ridiculous.

LILY: And just think, all you had to do was to sacrifice yourself for the
greater good and we wouldn’t have had to sit through it.

SIRIUS: Yeah, but I’m sure I would have.

LILY: You would have been dead.

SIRIUS: I’m sure Snape would still have found a way to try to get me to
read through this, dead or not.

JAMES: He’s got a point. And I wouldn’t trust Snape to keep his word,
anyway. He is a Slytherin, after all. You know they’ll do anything or say
anything to get their way.

"I know what is is" Sirius said "becuz she told me but she
said I am not alowed to tell u"

"but we r ur friends" James said

"oh ok" Sirius said "she is not just a fiary"

"she is not human!!!!!" James said who was very surprised

JAMES: Fictional James is a little dim.

SIRIUS: Real James is very dim.

JAMES: Not as dim as Sirius.

SIRIUS: Fictional Sirius.

JAMES: Real Sirius.

PETER: Stop it!

"no she is not" Sirius said "she is a fari but she is a
special fary. she is the princss fairy and the eiress to the crown"

REMUS: And on that note, we finish. Finally. Thank God.

LILY: One more day, Remus, only one more day.

REMUS: You think I’m not counting down the minutes?

LILY: Good point.

End Episode Eight

Sunday, August 11, 2002