trinityday

Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000

Episode Nine

“Let’s go over this one last time,” Lily said. “Do you have
everything?”

Remus gave a long-suffering sigh. “Yes, I have everything.”

“You don’t have to say it like that,” Lily chastised.

“Lily, you’re being fanatical about this,” said Remus.

“And here we thought Remus was the only fanatic in this room,” Sirius
drawled, hanging upside down off a chair, his hair scraping the ground. His face
was red from the rush of blood.

“Do you have all the letters?” Lily asked, starting a mental checklist
for Remus.

“Yes, Lily,” Remus answered wearily.

“Oh!” Sirius exclaimed. He twisted in the chair, trying to sit up, but
fell onto the floor face first instead. Quickly getting up, he looked around,
embarrassed. It was too much to hope for that the others didn’t see him. “Did
you remember the thing?”

“The thing?” Remus asked blankly.

“Sirius,” Lily hissed, the look she gave him warning him to be quiet.

“What thing?” Remus asked, now suspicious.

“Did you? Does he have it?” Sirius asked Lily, ignoring Remus.

“Yes,” Lily said, clearly not pleased to be discussing the matter in
front of Remus. “He does.”

“What do I have?” Remus demanded. “I’m not going to explode, or
anything, am I?”

“What? Why would you think that?” Lily asked.

“It’s a valid question,” said Remus defensively. “Especially when
Sirius is involved.”

“Moony, old buddy, old pal. Would I ever do something that would hurt you?”
Sirius asked.

“Do you really want me to answer that question, Sirius?” Remus asked.

“Yes.”

James chose that moment to stroll into the living room, thus preventing Remus
from having to answer Sirius’ question. Sirius didn’t mind Remus getting off
so easily; James was a new distraction, one he could pester even more than
Remus. At least James teased back.

“I only found three Dungbombs. Sorry,” James said, handing the gag
devices to Remus.

“Why does Remus need Dungbombs?” Lily asked. “Or do I want to know?”

“You don’t want to know,” Remus was quick to answer. “Believe me,
with James and Sirius, you never want to know. I don’t want to
know.”

“It’s quite simple, really,” James said.

“Simple, yet ingenious,” Sirius corrected.

“Thank you, Padfoot. As I was saying, it is simple and ingenious. Remus is
not allowed to bring his wand with him - ”

“I wouldn’t want to, anyway. I’d lose or destroy it during the
transformation,” Remus said.

“That’s hardly the point, Moony,” James said, gently admonishing him
for the interruption. “Since Remus is not allowed to bring his wand with him,
we are giving him these Dungbombs. Now, you may ask why.”

Lily corrected him. “We already asked why. That’s the entire reason why
you’re giving us this stupid lecture.”

“Uh uh,” James said, wagging a finger at his girlfriend. “Ten points
from Gryffindor. Never insult the professor.”

“Ten points from Gryffindor,” Sirius whined. “But you can’t do that.
You’re a Gryffindor yourself.”

“Hmm . . . “ James seemed to mull over Sirius’ complaint. “Perhaps
you’re right. I can’t take it back, so I’ll just have to give you a chance
to earn the points back. One hundred and fifty points goes to the student who
can tell me exactly why I gave Remus the Dungbombs.”

“Ooo! Ooo!” Sirius waved his hand about wildly in the air and jumped up a
few times in excitement for extra measure. “I know! I know!”

“Mr. Padfoot,” James said, pretending to pick a ‘student’ at random.
Lily rolled her eyes. “Do you know the answer?”

Sirius stood up straight and recited, “The reason you gave him the
Dungbombs is because Snape is going to make sure Moony’s not carrying a wand,
but to go up to Snape without at least one form of arsenal would be a disgrace
to the good Marauding name.”

“Correct,” James said, and then paused. “ ‘Marauding name?’ ” he
queried.

“Yeah, it was in the last bad fic, remember?” Sirius said. “We were the
merry band of Marauders, or something like that. Moony threatened to sue Robin
Hood.”

“That wasn’t quite the way it went,” Remus muttered, not at all
surprised when James and Sirius ignored him. Lily gave him a sympathetic look;
she, too, had been subject to misinterpretation and the subsequent ridicule by
Sirius and James on more than one occasion.

“You’ve decided to name us after an event in one of the bad fics?”
James asked, horrified.

“And what if I have?”

“I’m not going to be called something that you found in a bad fic,”
James said. “Don’t be stupid, Padfoot.”

“Well, maybe if you decided on a name that you did find
acceptable, I wouldn’t have to go searching through horribly written stories
to find one that you do like.”

“Maybe you should stop trying to NAME US,” James said.

Sirius nodded and threw a punch at James. James avoided it, but tacked Sirius
to the ground.

“Boys!” Lily said, exasperated. She threw her hands up in the air
in disgust. Remus, although biologically a boy himself, felt inclined to agree.

The two “Marauders” were still wrestling on the floor when Snape appeared
in the fireplace. “I - What are you doing?” he asked when he spotted Sirius
and James.

They stopped - which in retrospect wasn’t such a smart idea as they stopped
in the middle of their fight in a rather compromising position, tangled up in
each other. Lily coughed tactfully.

“What?” Sirius asked. “Jealous?”

“Wrong thing to say, Padfoot, wrong thing to say,” James said, pained. He
untangled himself from Sirius and stood up.

“I’m ready,” Remus said, stuffing the last of his things up his sleeve
when Snape wasn’t looking at him. He was hoping to get the spotlight off
Sirius and James and, surprisingly enough considering Snape was rarely
distracted so easily, he did.

“Do you honestly think I would let you leave before today’s
entertainment?” Snape asked.

“Hope? Yes. Think, no.” Remus sighed. “Let’s get this over with,
then.”

lily n James 4eva!

JAMES: Haven’t we read this already?

REMUS: No, that was “James and Lily” not “lily n James 4eva!”

LILY: It was “Lily and James”.

JAMES: The order doesn’t matter that much!

LILY: You’re just saying that because your name didn’t come first.

by: iluvhpso0omuch!

REMUS: Does anyone even want to try to decipher that name?

LILY: Not really.

REMUS: I didn’t think so.

heyaaa every1!!!!!!!!! lyke heres my story so rede n review n ill rite
more!!!!!!

REMUS: The story, if you could call it such, started out on a bad foot and
progressively became worse. The author - and I use that term lightly - was
unable to come to terms with even the simplest rules of grammar, such as
capitalizing proper names. Simple homonyms were confused next, making the work
overall difficult to read.

LILY: What are you doing?

SIRIUS: Professor Moony?

REMUS: I’m reviewing. It’s what she asked, is it not?

LILY: Technically, she asked you to read first.

REMUS: I did read. I read the opening section and reviewed it.

LILY: Actually you only read the opening blurb. It’s the same as reviewing
a book after only reading the jacket cover.

REMUS: Okay, you read the story - the entire story - and then you review it.

LILY [snorts]: You’re joking, right? Yeah right.

Lily went on the train to Hoggwarts. She was a beautiful young girl that
everyone who saw her loved her.

REMUS: Huh. What do you think of that. Two entire, complete sentences,
with only two minor mistakes between them. Do you think perhaps these authors
are improving?

JAMES: Moony, do you remember the opening “blurb” or whatever it
was that Lily was calling it?

REMUS: Point taken.

Brown hair wit blond streaks flowed down 2 her shoulders. (A/N: she dyed it
ova the summer, k???!!)

JAMES: And why would she do that? Her hair is gorgeous as it is.

SIRIUS: I mean, who wouldn’t want to have hair the colour of carrots?

LILY [not amused]: My hair is not the colour of carrots. Nor is it the colour
of fire, or copper, or tomatoes, or Father Christmas’ robes, or Gryffindor’s
shields. My hair is auburn.

JAMES: Red. Dark red, yes, but red.

LILY [more emphatically]: My hair is auburn.

SIRIUS: Whatever you say, carrot top.

LILY: I hate you. I hate you both.

REMUS: We all feel that way at times.

LILY: Don’t you start with me. You’re the one who’s escaping
this hellhole.

REMUS: Only temporarily.

LILY: Even the slightest reprieve is better than what I am getting.

Green eyes that were as green as emerals looked out of a creamy white face.

SIRIUS: And just whose face is this that they speak of? Surely not old
freckle-face here.

LILY: I really and truly hate you. And I don’t have freckles.

JAMES: The same way you don’t have red hair, Lil?

LILY: You’re supposed to be on my side, here.

as she walked onto the train, she tripped and fell into the lap of a boy.

SIRIUS [shocked]: Lily! And you’re going out with James, too!

JAMES [pretending to hold back tears]: She was my girlfriend, Padfoot! I can’t
believe she would do something like that to me.

LILY: Was being the operative word here. Why do we put up with this
Remus?

REMUS: Because . . . because . . . [He looks at her blankly] I honestly have
no idea.

LILY: I’m not putting up with it any longer. I’m moving.

REMUS: Good idea.

[Remus and Lily stand up and move a couple of rows back. Sirius and James
gape at them, but are too lazy to follow.]

SIRIUS: No fair!

It was not any boi. it was James pOtter!!!!!!!

SIRIUS: Hey Prongs, Lily’s not cheating on you after all!

JAMES [shouting back]: Did you hear that, Lil? You’re forgiven.

LILY [dryly, and so that only Remus sitting beside her can hear]: Thank
heavens. I didn’t know what I was going to do without James’ forgiveness.

He had dark dark dark dark

SIRIUS: White.

REMUS: And what exactly does dark white look like?

SIRIUS: The same as light white, only darker.

Black hair,

JAMES: Ha! You’re wrong, Padfoot.

SIRIUS: What I don’t understand is why you have my hair.

[There is a pause in the theatre. A cricket chirps. Finally Remus cottons on
and groans.]

REMUS: That was bad, even for you.

SIRIUS: Hey, it’s not my fault James has Black hair. He probably prefers it
that way - anything is better than the birds’ nest on top of his head now.

JAMES: I can’t help it; it grows this way.

LILY [shouting up]: Though it might improve if you combed it every couple of
months or so. [At Remus’ inquiring look, she explain.] That was for his
earlier dig at my hair.

and oval glasses. Behnd the glasses were brown eyes filled to breaking point
with concern.

REMUS: And what, pray tell, is this ‘breaking point’ of which they speak.

SIRIUS: It’s the point where things break.

REMUS: Ah, of course. How obvious. I’m glad you’re here to tell me these
things, Sirius.

JAMES: The things in question, of course, being my eyes. In other words, my
eyes were filled with concern to the point where they were about to and/or are
starting to break.

SIRIUS: But that begs the question how does one fill ones eyes with anything,
and what exactly is this ‘concern’? Is it solid? Liquid?

LILY: Vegetable, mineral or person.

REMUS: What?

LILY: Never mind.

JAMES: I don’t know about how one goes about filling ones eyes, but as to
what exactly ‘concern’ is, we’ll just ask Professor Wigle when we get out
of here.

LILY: Professor Wigle retired.

JAMES: What? Who’s the new Potions teacher?

LILY: No idea. Remus? Sirius?

REMUS: Sorry.

SIRIUS: It’s Snape.

JAMES: Don’t even joke about that.

"R you okey????" he said, helping her off his lap.

JAMES: And why would I do that exactly?

LILY: Because you’re a gentleman and . . . you’re right. Why would
you do that?

"since When do you care about me, James Poter?"

SIRIUS: The fifty-fourth day of school, first year.

Lily asked with her nose in the air. "I hate you!!!!"

JAMES: Oh, it’s one of those stories.

"BUt Lily I think I love u!" he screamed

SIRIUS: Way to be subtle, Prongs.

JAMES: Padfoot, you wouldn’t know subtle if turned into a Doxy and bit you
on the nose.

SIRIUS: If subtle turned into a Doxy and bit me on the nose than it wouldn’t
be subtle.

JAMES: Yeah, you’re right.

so the hundreds of people in the train compartment

LILY: How big is this train compartment exactly?

REMUS: Apparently large enough to house ‘hundreds of people’ so I’d say
quite large.

turned around and listened.

"How could u??????!!!!!!!" she screamed. "You're supposed to hate
me!!!"

REMUS: Obviously he doesn’t.

SIRIUS: You never know. It could all be some elaborate scheme to embarrass
you.

LILY: Now, if it had been you who professed your love for me in front of ‘hundreds
of people’ in a train compartment, I might suspect the same, but since it’s
James . . .

JAMES: If Sirius did that, I’d have to kill him. And it’s fictional me,
so you never know how much the writer has decided to pervert me.

SIRIUS: I’m hurt that you think so little of me. Hurt and unsurprised.

Another boy stepped into the car. He had deep blue eyes, chisled features, n
blue black hair. It was Sririus Black!!!

SIRIUS: My hair is both black and Black!

LILY: That was so not funny that it was scary.

(A/N: ooommmmgggg i luv u siri so0o0o0o much!!!!! mwaaazzz!!!)

SIRIUS: I’m scared too, now.

"What is the problem???" he asked James.

James sighed and rolled his eyes a lot.

SIRIUS: In fact, he rolled them so much that they fell out of his eye sockets
and onto the train floor.

JAMES: And there, they rolled even more, rolling under the seat.

"Srisuus will you go away????!!!! i Just professed my love to Lily, and
you're destroying what we have!"

LILY: Yes, James, Sirius is destroying ‘what we have’.

Sirius's eyes flashed, "But I like her!!!!!"

REMUS: Because that was unpredictable.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!

JAMES: Sure. That’s what they all say. Yet only one or two have ever really
been continued.

LILY: You say that as if it were a bad thing.

JAMES: No, I’m just saying that.

ommmmgggg so do u lyke it?????

REMUS: Surprisingly enough - no.

LILY: How is that surprising?

REMUS: Well, it’s not surprising per se, what is surprising is that
I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would. Judging from the opening blurb,
I would have thought it was going to be complete crap. Instead, it was only a
little crap.

LILY: That just goes to show, you can’t judge a book by its cover.

REMUS: Please, Lily. The last thing we need to do is insert a moral at the
end of every story.

its the best thing i've eva written!!!!!

JAMES [as author]: It’s the worst thing I’ve ‘eva’ written. In fact,
it’s the only thing I ‘eva’ written. Can you tell?

omg i hope u rele like it, n if u dothen r&r rele fast!!!!!!!!!!

REMUS: I’m not going to even try to make sense of that line.

Remus's Bad Day

LILY: Another one?

REMUS: And it looks as if I’m the target this time. “Remus’s Bad Day”
- I hate to think about the possibilities.

SIRIUS: Yeah. I mean, I might not even be in it!

By Lydia

Once apon a time there was a wharewolf named Remus Lupin.

REMUS: This is off to a good start. Two errors in the first sentence.

SIRIUS: You mean you aren’t a ‘wharewolf’?

He wasn't a bad wahrewolf, he was a good one. He didn't like being a wolf
because everyone at hogwarts called him names.

REMUS: If everyone at Hogwarts knew what I was, then they would do more than
just call me names.

That made him sad. Really sad.

But he had three great friends: Lily, James, Sirus and Peter.

LILY: Four great friends. Lily, James, Sirus and Peter make four.

SIRIUS: My name is Sirius, not Sirus, Lil.

LILY: Yeah, but the writer didn’t say Sirius, now, did she.

SIRIUS: No, but she meant Sirius.

LILY: How do you know that?

SIRIUS: I am all knowing and all powerful.

LILY: Sure, Sirius, whatever you say.

SIRIUS: It’s true!

But nobody liked peter.

REMUS: There, that explains it. Peter wasn’t one of my - his - great
friends.

JAMES: Should we be surprised? Nobody ever likes Peter.

Once apon a time, they where playing a prank on Snape.

LILY: Once?

JAMES: A day.

SIRIUS: Or even an hour.

REMUS: You wish.

"Let's turn his hair green!" Said Remus.

REMUS: We did that, didn’t we?

JAMES: Yeah, first week of first year. How much do you want to bet that this
bad fic doesn’t take place in first year?

LILY: Do we look like idiots?

SIRIUS: No, you look like your head is on fire - no wait, that’s your hair.

LILY: Do you ever let a thing drop?

SIRIUS: Not before everyone around me is ready to kill me for it. Besides, we
turned his hair purple, not green. James said that purple required stranger
ingredients, and it would really show how dangerous and daring we were.

[Lily starts giggling uncontrollably.]

LILY: Purple hair. Very dangerous. Very daring.

JAMES: It was first year!

LILY: How come I don’t remember this?

REMUS: Come to think of it, I don’t think this was one of our pranks that
turned out. Didn’t we get caught?

JAMES: I think you’re right. I was trying to block that one out of my
memory. [mutters] Purple hair . . .

"No, purple!" Said James.

JAMES: Kill me. Kill me now.

"I want to make his head turn into a baboon!" said Lily.

SIRIUS: Slightly better, but how would we be able to tell the difference?
[Everyone groans.] Oh, come on! Someone had to say it.

"No, lets make his feet grow ten feet long!" Said Sirius.

REMUS: Now there’s a prank worthy of being one of our own.

JAMES: . . . Uh, Remus?

REMUS: That was supposed to be sarcastic. It’s too much work to actually
sound sarcastic every time I mean to be sarcastic, which, when reading these, is
all the time.

Everyone agreed.

So they went into Snape's dorm and made his feet big.

JAMES: Just like that. No worrying about where the Slytherin dorm room is.

SIRIUS: We know where it is, Prongs.

JAMES: We didn’t in first year.

LILY: Just because we act like first years doesn’t mean we are first
years.

JAMES: Besides the point. We don’t worry about figuring out what the
Slytherin password is. We don’t worry about avoiding Filch and the ghosts and
we go through the hallways at night.

SIRIUS: One word, Prongs. Invisibility Cloak.

REMUS: Two words, Sirius.

SIRIUS: You know what I mean.

JAMES: What I’m saying is that pulling the prank is the whole fun of it.
Sneaking through the castle at night . . . Narrowly avoiding Mrs. Norris . . .

SIRIUS: I don’t know . . . Watching Snape - and the rest of the school -
realize he’s been the target of one of our pranks the next morning is always
what does it for me.

The next day at breakfast, Snape came tumbling in and everyone thought it was
wicked funny.

LILY: He didn’t notice his feet had grown ten times as long until he
tripped in the Great Hall?

A few weeks later, it was nearing the end of term.

JAMES: Ha! I told you it wasn’t first week!

REMUS: Actually, you said it wasn’t first year. It still could be first
year.

JAMES: But it isn’t.

"I hope I do well!" Said Lily.

JAMES: Because you really need to worry about that, Lil.

LILY: Look who’s talking!

SIRIUS: James.

"Who cares about homework?" Said Sirius.

SIRIUS: Probably the best characterization of myself for the entire time we’ve
been down here.

At the end of the feast, Dumbledoor announced the students with the top
grades. "Lily Evens, Remus Lupin, James Potter and Sirus Black all tied for
highest grades in every class!

REMUS: And no one suspected us of cheating?

LILY: We don’t need to cheat.

REMUS: True, but if four students tied for first place, receiving the exact
same mark in each class, I’d be more than a little suspicious if I were a
teacher.

And Gryffindor wons the House Cup, with 5,498 points! Ravenclaw is in second
with 4,560 points and Slytherin is in third with 1,454 points!" Cheers
expoloded from the Grynnfindor table. Everyone went home happy.

REMUS: And where’s Hufflepuff?

SIRIUS: Who cares?

The screen clears.

“Is that it?” Lily asked. “They didn’t even say ‘The End’.”

“They didn’t even beg for reviews,” Remus said.

“I, for one, am disappointed,” said James.

Snape appeared on the big screen.

“Well?” Remus asked. “Am I allowed to go now?”

“The others have to remain still,” Snape said sourly. He didn’t look at
all pleased to be releasing Remus, even if it was only for a couple nights. “The
portal will be temporary. Once the first person has used it, it will no longer
be active. Step up to the curtain.” Remus did as he was told. “On the right
hand side, you will see a cord with a tassel at the end. Pull on it.” Obeying
Snape’s instructions, Remus disappeared as promised. Snape took one last look
at the others and warned, “Don’t think you’re getting a vacation as well.
I’ll be back tomorrow with your daily bad fic.” With that he disappeared.

“Oh, we weren’t worried,” Lily muttered.

Sirius walked right up to the stage and pulled on the tassel. Nothing
happened.

“Snape said it would only work for one person,” Lily reminded him.

“And we’re supposed to believe Snape?” asked James.

“Well, no,” admitted Lily. “I suppose you’re right.”

“We’re always right,” Sirius told her. “I thought you would have
known that by now.”

“Obviously I’m not as smart as you.”

“Obviously.”

The three started to leave the theatre when suddenly Lily stopped short,
almost causing James to bump into her. Sirius, noticing this, took an extra step
to ensure that he knocked her over, apologizing profusely for doing so, of
course. Lily paid him no mind.

“Hey - where’s Peter?”

End Episode Nine

Sunday, August 18, 2002