Fic: One Hour With You
Apr. 30th, 2005 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinitydayI'm not exactly sure what this is. It's what came to mind when given the lines from John Donne's "A Fever"
Yet 'twas of my mind, seizing thee,
Though it in thee cannot persever.
For I had rather owner be,
Of thee one hour, than all else ever.
It was written formemorycharm's Poetry Month Challenge Technically, it's done (and on time!), but I think it's missing something. I also think that I'm not sure what it's missing. If you've any ideas for improvement, etc., feel free to tell me.
One Hour With You
~2500 words
Lily/James with hints of James/Sirius and Sirius/Lily
For James, Sirius gave up his family.
“I don’t see why you have to move out.”
It wasn’t the first time James had said something to that extent, nor even the tenth. He had been shadowing Sirius all day, staying close enough that Sirius had troubles avoiding his touch. Every time he’dreach for an erstwhile robe, or a forgotten book, James’ own hand would be there, blocking him, brushing up against his sleeve.
James knew too well how to convince him to stay.
Still, Sirius was resolute, determined not to let any of James’ tricks sway him, determined to keep his temper, to stay as analytical and cool-headed as Remus was on his best day. So he answered him, yet again, forcing himself to concentrate on the words he was saying, hoping the concentration would make them truer, hoping the concentration would allow him to forget the way his heart was beating against his chest, blood rushing through his ears almost drowning out James’ words.
“I’m seventeen,” he answered. “I’m an adult.”
“You were seventeen last summer,” James persisted. “You didn’t move out then.”
“Last summer I still had Hogwarts to go back to. I didn’t have the money to rent a flat that I wouldn’t even be staying in for most of the year.”
“You don’t have the money to waste now,” James tried.
“My Uncle Alphard left me some, remember?” Uncle Alphard, too, had been disowned by the family, which was probably why Sirius had his money now after his death.
“But you don’t have a job. You don’t want to spend your savings, not when my parents would love to have you stay as long as you need.”
Sirius shook his head. “I’m moving, James.”
Dejected, as if this latest rehashing of the argument had made James finally realize that nothing he could say would change Sirius’ mind, James asked, “But why?”
Sirius refused to look at him when he answered. “It’s just something I have to do.”
For Lily, Sirius gave up his best friend.
Lily showed up at his flat after he’d been drinking. He didn’t mind so much, if only because he knew she already thought worse of him, but couldn’t figure out why she was here. He knew she’d had a full day with the wedding preparations—he’d been helping until a few hours ago when James sent him home and he opened a bottle of Firewhiskey and when he left, Lily and James were still going strong.
She stood in his doorway now, hands folded primly in front of her, but he could see that her fingers were aching to be twitching and fiddling. “Can I come in?” she asked.
He didn’t so much answer as he stood aside for her to enter. He returned to his whiskey (because he knew his breath must stink of it, so there was really no point in hiding the fact that he had been drinking) and offered her some.
Lily declined, shaking her head lightly and taking a seat at the table, but forgoing the half-expected lecture on the horrors of drinking alone.
“What are you doing here?” he asked finally.
“I just wanted to thank you for all the help you’ve been getting ready for the wedding. I mean, normally the matron of honour does more of the work than the best man, but Petunia is so busy…”
He mentally translated that into Lily’s sister hating her guts. The only reason either of them were going through with the charade of having Petunia as Lily’s matron of honour was because their mother had insisted.
“It’s not a problem,” he said. “I’m his best man, after all.”
“No, Sirius, you don’t understand. It’s not just that, it’s—” What it actually was, Sirius never was to know. Lily broke off, shaking her head. “I’m thanking you, not James. I mean, James is thankful, but that’s not why I came over here tonight because you know James is thankful and…”
The babbling wasn’t doing much more to help him figure out what was going on. He tried to put her mind at ease. “You’re welcome.” It was safe, it was non-committal and it was even more-or-less true. And it just might get her to shut up and leave him in peace so he could finish off the bottle of Ogden’s finest.
She sighed, and he guessed that he was still being obtuse. “I know what this means to you. I know we haven’t always got along, and I know you resent me for taking James away.”
“I don’t.” It was an automatic response, one he’d been saying since seventh year, though the passage of time had allowed him to sound sincere in a way he’d never managed in the first year of James and Lily’s courtship.
Lily didn’t argue with him; there was no point in arguing with him. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for us. It’s more than—well, it’s more than I’d do in your position. So thank you.”
She laid one hand on top of his own and looked him in the eye. “Thank you, Sirius,” she said softly.
And then she smiled. At Sirius. At him. For possibly the first time ever.
Lily had the most beautiful smile in the world.
For James, Sirius stopped fighting with Lily.
Lily didn’t say anything or give any indication that she even noticed him when Sirius saddled up beside her in the library after lunch. She gave a good imitation of being too focused on revising, but Sirius knew it was an act.
“Hi, Lily.”
There were several seconds before she answered, seconds which, if Sirius had been feeling generous, he would have attributed to the fact that she was in the middle of copying a line. However, Sirius’ generosity had been used up in the mere act of being there. He knew she was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say.
“I didn’t realize you knew my name.”
“You’re all James has talked about for the past two years. Of course I know your name.” Possibly this was hyperbole, but it didn’t feel like it to Sirius.
“You’ve never used it before. Not once,” said Lily.
“I’m sure I used it the first week in first year,” Sirius said. “Back before—” He had to cut himself off before he finished with “before I knew you were such a bitch” because really, that would defeat the purpose of his being here.
He couldn’t think of another way to end the sentence so he just let it hang.
“Did James send you here to make nice? Has he not given up on that yet?”
If James hadn’t given up on Lily after two years of wanting nothing to do with him, then Sirius didn’t think he was going to give up on his best friend and girlfriend getting along after only a matter of months of urging them to make peace with one another. Sirius wondered why James’ so-called girlfriend didn’t see it that way, but refrained from wondering aloud.
“James didn’t send me. Not this time,” said Sirius.
Lily actually looked apprehensive. She tried to hide it quickly, but Sirius noticed it. She now devoted all her intention to him, since on the scale of importance revisions ranked significantly lower than making sure Sirius Black didn’t pull his wand and try some new and undoubtedly cruel spell he’d learned on her.
“Then why are you here?”
“I just wanted to know if you wanted to borrow my notes for Transfiguration. James mentioned there were a couple things you were unclear on, and I don’t even think James can read his own handwriting.”
His answer almost caused her to laugh. Her shoulders shook slightly, and her mouth opened in amusement, but no sound came out. Clearly, she didn’t believe he could be so nice. “No, really. What are you doing here?”
Sirius wanted to answer that he didn’t like the situation anymore than she did, he didn’t want to be here with her anymore than she wanted to be here with him, wanted to answer that he would be much happier if she weren’t dating James at all, but didn’t. Couldn’t.
“That’s really why I’m here,” he said instead, marveling at how good an actor he was. “If you don’t want them, you just have to say so.”
Lily eyed him suspiciously; Sirius didn’t blame her for it. “What’s the catch?” she demanded.
“No catch,” Sirius lied.
The catch was, he’d finally realized that he could either accept that Lily was a part of James’ life, or else he could lose James entirely. He would rather go crawling back to his family, begging forgiveness, vowing to join Voldemort and kill every Muggleborn in the world than lose James entirely.
For James and Lily, Sirius risked his life.
“Sirius?”
James looked nervous, more nervous than he had even before his wedding, when Sirius had had to help him shave because James couldn’t remember even the simplest spells, ones that he could normally do in his sleep. He took Lily’s hand for support.
Sirius’ heart went into his throat.
“We’d like to ask you a favour,” Lily said.
Her words did a little to calm him down. A favour meant that nothing horrible had happened, no one had died – hopefully no one had died.
It took him two or three tries before he could get the words out of his too-dry mouth. “What is it?”
“Voldemort is after us.” James squeezed Lily’s hand. “We need to go into hiding.”
Lily took over. “We would like you to be our Secret Keeper.”
For Lily and James, he’d spent twelve years in Azkaban.
He came by their house so early that the sun hadn’t risen above the horizon.
He burst into their house, running upstairs and barging into their room without knocking. A Stunning Spell grazed his ear, causing the left side of his head to feel numb, and he noticed that they both had their wands drawn.
“Jesus, Sirius,” Lily swore. “Don’t do that. Tell us it’s you.”
Neither were dressed, and by the looks of things, Sirius had interrupted them dealing with James’ morning glory, but didn’t care.
“Sorry,” he rushed, more for the form than out of any actual feelings of regret. “I just had to, I mean, I’m too obvious. I can’t do it. Everyone will know. Get Peter, instead.”
“Not all of us can read your mind,” James said dryly. “Nor do I want, come to think of it. It would be a scary place, and I probably would be scarred forever.”
Sirius ignored James’ bantering. There were more important things at stake.
“I can’t do it. I can’t be your Secret Keeper. It’s too obvious and everyone will know.
“We should get Peter to do it instead.”
Being with James was the highlight of Sirius’ days. He always understood him better than anyone else ever could, and he always accepted those things he couldn’t understand.
Lily knew that Sirius was in love with her husband. She knew it before Sirius did, in fact. It always amazed her that no one else picked up on it. Sirius came to life when he was around James, his eyes somehow brighter and a smile always on his lips, no matter how dire the circumstance.
She didn’t mind, even if she knew that her husband loved him back, in his own way. She didn’t worry, because she knew James loved her. There was no doubt about that.
Neither would ever act on their feelings. Maybe if she hadn’t been in the picture, it would be different.
Or maybe not.
Spending time with Lily always made Sirius happy. She was beautiful in the vibrant way that the Blacks were not and she burned brightly with an inner strength that was everything that his family was not.
James sometimes would watch his wife and his best friend together. He’d watch how his wife would laugh at Sirius – something she never used to do when they were younger – how he’d touch her hand and look deep into her eyes, how she had a special smile just for him. He knew that Sirius would never do anything to hurt him. He knew that Lily loved him.
But sometimes, late at night when Lily was out on a mission for the Order and he was in bed, all alone, sometimes late at night he couldn’t sleep.
He could just wonder.
And worry.
Azkaban was hell.
Dark…(He could hear them coming, not because their footsteps were loud but because as they trailed through the prison corridors, prisoners started to scream in their wake, so it would always start out as a low roar and grow until it was deafening mostly because by the time it reached him, he would start hearing Lily’s screams and James’ shouts almost as if he had actually been there until it got to the point where he could never remember if he had been there or if he had only seen their bodies afterwards and tried not to cry when James’ glasses were crushed under his heel in his haste to reach James’ body and wondered at how quickly Lily’s cheek could become colder than ice, colder than Azkaban.)
Cold… (Once he thought the house at Grimmauld Place was cold. Now he knew would never be warm.)
Loud… (The solitude, he could take, even though he hated to be alone, but the silence, o! the silence he would never get used to because the silence only meant death but never his own.)
Small… (His cell was four steps by three steps, or ten feet by seven feet if he went by his own feet and not wizard ones, nor even the Muggle ones that Lily once told him were different than real ones but rather by his own feet, but his cell was still a castle compared to when the Dementors came and there was no space around him except for his mind and his mind was everywhere and his mind was everything and his mind showed him their deaths.
Over.
And over.
And over again.)
For them, Sirius would do it again. He would gladly spend an eternity in hell if it meant one more hour he could spend with them. One more hour in which James and Lily had him. One more hour in which Lily and James were his.
Yet 'twas of my mind, seizing thee,
Though it in thee cannot persever.
For I had rather owner be,
Of thee one hour, than all else ever.
It was written for
memorycharm's Poetry Month Challenge Technically, it's done (and on time!), but I think it's missing something. I also think that I'm not sure what it's missing. If you've any ideas for improvement, etc., feel free to tell me.One Hour With You
~2500 words
Lily/James with hints of James/Sirius and Sirius/Lily
For James, Sirius gave up his family.
“I don’t see why you have to move out.”
It wasn’t the first time James had said something to that extent, nor even the tenth. He had been shadowing Sirius all day, staying close enough that Sirius had troubles avoiding his touch. Every time he’dreach for an erstwhile robe, or a forgotten book, James’ own hand would be there, blocking him, brushing up against his sleeve.
James knew too well how to convince him to stay.
Still, Sirius was resolute, determined not to let any of James’ tricks sway him, determined to keep his temper, to stay as analytical and cool-headed as Remus was on his best day. So he answered him, yet again, forcing himself to concentrate on the words he was saying, hoping the concentration would make them truer, hoping the concentration would allow him to forget the way his heart was beating against his chest, blood rushing through his ears almost drowning out James’ words.
“I’m seventeen,” he answered. “I’m an adult.”
“You were seventeen last summer,” James persisted. “You didn’t move out then.”
“Last summer I still had Hogwarts to go back to. I didn’t have the money to rent a flat that I wouldn’t even be staying in for most of the year.”
“You don’t have the money to waste now,” James tried.
“My Uncle Alphard left me some, remember?” Uncle Alphard, too, had been disowned by the family, which was probably why Sirius had his money now after his death.
“But you don’t have a job. You don’t want to spend your savings, not when my parents would love to have you stay as long as you need.”
Sirius shook his head. “I’m moving, James.”
Dejected, as if this latest rehashing of the argument had made James finally realize that nothing he could say would change Sirius’ mind, James asked, “But why?”
Sirius refused to look at him when he answered. “It’s just something I have to do.”
For Lily, Sirius gave up his best friend.
Lily showed up at his flat after he’d been drinking. He didn’t mind so much, if only because he knew she already thought worse of him, but couldn’t figure out why she was here. He knew she’d had a full day with the wedding preparations—he’d been helping until a few hours ago when James sent him home and he opened a bottle of Firewhiskey and when he left, Lily and James were still going strong.
She stood in his doorway now, hands folded primly in front of her, but he could see that her fingers were aching to be twitching and fiddling. “Can I come in?” she asked.
He didn’t so much answer as he stood aside for her to enter. He returned to his whiskey (because he knew his breath must stink of it, so there was really no point in hiding the fact that he had been drinking) and offered her some.
Lily declined, shaking her head lightly and taking a seat at the table, but forgoing the half-expected lecture on the horrors of drinking alone.
“What are you doing here?” he asked finally.
“I just wanted to thank you for all the help you’ve been getting ready for the wedding. I mean, normally the matron of honour does more of the work than the best man, but Petunia is so busy…”
He mentally translated that into Lily’s sister hating her guts. The only reason either of them were going through with the charade of having Petunia as Lily’s matron of honour was because their mother had insisted.
“It’s not a problem,” he said. “I’m his best man, after all.”
“No, Sirius, you don’t understand. It’s not just that, it’s—” What it actually was, Sirius never was to know. Lily broke off, shaking her head. “I’m thanking you, not James. I mean, James is thankful, but that’s not why I came over here tonight because you know James is thankful and…”
The babbling wasn’t doing much more to help him figure out what was going on. He tried to put her mind at ease. “You’re welcome.” It was safe, it was non-committal and it was even more-or-less true. And it just might get her to shut up and leave him in peace so he could finish off the bottle of Ogden’s finest.
She sighed, and he guessed that he was still being obtuse. “I know what this means to you. I know we haven’t always got along, and I know you resent me for taking James away.”
“I don’t.” It was an automatic response, one he’d been saying since seventh year, though the passage of time had allowed him to sound sincere in a way he’d never managed in the first year of James and Lily’s courtship.
Lily didn’t argue with him; there was no point in arguing with him. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for us. It’s more than—well, it’s more than I’d do in your position. So thank you.”
She laid one hand on top of his own and looked him in the eye. “Thank you, Sirius,” she said softly.
And then she smiled. At Sirius. At him. For possibly the first time ever.
Lily had the most beautiful smile in the world.
For James, Sirius stopped fighting with Lily.
Lily didn’t say anything or give any indication that she even noticed him when Sirius saddled up beside her in the library after lunch. She gave a good imitation of being too focused on revising, but Sirius knew it was an act.
“Hi, Lily.”
There were several seconds before she answered, seconds which, if Sirius had been feeling generous, he would have attributed to the fact that she was in the middle of copying a line. However, Sirius’ generosity had been used up in the mere act of being there. He knew she was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say.
“I didn’t realize you knew my name.”
“You’re all James has talked about for the past two years. Of course I know your name.” Possibly this was hyperbole, but it didn’t feel like it to Sirius.
“You’ve never used it before. Not once,” said Lily.
“I’m sure I used it the first week in first year,” Sirius said. “Back before—” He had to cut himself off before he finished with “before I knew you were such a bitch” because really, that would defeat the purpose of his being here.
He couldn’t think of another way to end the sentence so he just let it hang.
“Did James send you here to make nice? Has he not given up on that yet?”
If James hadn’t given up on Lily after two years of wanting nothing to do with him, then Sirius didn’t think he was going to give up on his best friend and girlfriend getting along after only a matter of months of urging them to make peace with one another. Sirius wondered why James’ so-called girlfriend didn’t see it that way, but refrained from wondering aloud.
“James didn’t send me. Not this time,” said Sirius.
Lily actually looked apprehensive. She tried to hide it quickly, but Sirius noticed it. She now devoted all her intention to him, since on the scale of importance revisions ranked significantly lower than making sure Sirius Black didn’t pull his wand and try some new and undoubtedly cruel spell he’d learned on her.
“Then why are you here?”
“I just wanted to know if you wanted to borrow my notes for Transfiguration. James mentioned there were a couple things you were unclear on, and I don’t even think James can read his own handwriting.”
His answer almost caused her to laugh. Her shoulders shook slightly, and her mouth opened in amusement, but no sound came out. Clearly, she didn’t believe he could be so nice. “No, really. What are you doing here?”
Sirius wanted to answer that he didn’t like the situation anymore than she did, he didn’t want to be here with her anymore than she wanted to be here with him, wanted to answer that he would be much happier if she weren’t dating James at all, but didn’t. Couldn’t.
“That’s really why I’m here,” he said instead, marveling at how good an actor he was. “If you don’t want them, you just have to say so.”
Lily eyed him suspiciously; Sirius didn’t blame her for it. “What’s the catch?” she demanded.
“No catch,” Sirius lied.
The catch was, he’d finally realized that he could either accept that Lily was a part of James’ life, or else he could lose James entirely. He would rather go crawling back to his family, begging forgiveness, vowing to join Voldemort and kill every Muggleborn in the world than lose James entirely.
For James and Lily, Sirius risked his life.
“Sirius?”
James looked nervous, more nervous than he had even before his wedding, when Sirius had had to help him shave because James couldn’t remember even the simplest spells, ones that he could normally do in his sleep. He took Lily’s hand for support.
Sirius’ heart went into his throat.
“We’d like to ask you a favour,” Lily said.
Her words did a little to calm him down. A favour meant that nothing horrible had happened, no one had died – hopefully no one had died.
It took him two or three tries before he could get the words out of his too-dry mouth. “What is it?”
“Voldemort is after us.” James squeezed Lily’s hand. “We need to go into hiding.”
Lily took over. “We would like you to be our Secret Keeper.”
For Lily and James, he’d spent twelve years in Azkaban.
He came by their house so early that the sun hadn’t risen above the horizon.
He burst into their house, running upstairs and barging into their room without knocking. A Stunning Spell grazed his ear, causing the left side of his head to feel numb, and he noticed that they both had their wands drawn.
“Jesus, Sirius,” Lily swore. “Don’t do that. Tell us it’s you.”
Neither were dressed, and by the looks of things, Sirius had interrupted them dealing with James’ morning glory, but didn’t care.
“Sorry,” he rushed, more for the form than out of any actual feelings of regret. “I just had to, I mean, I’m too obvious. I can’t do it. Everyone will know. Get Peter, instead.”
“Not all of us can read your mind,” James said dryly. “Nor do I want, come to think of it. It would be a scary place, and I probably would be scarred forever.”
Sirius ignored James’ bantering. There were more important things at stake.
“I can’t do it. I can’t be your Secret Keeper. It’s too obvious and everyone will know.
“We should get Peter to do it instead.”
Being with James was the highlight of Sirius’ days. He always understood him better than anyone else ever could, and he always accepted those things he couldn’t understand.
Lily knew that Sirius was in love with her husband. She knew it before Sirius did, in fact. It always amazed her that no one else picked up on it. Sirius came to life when he was around James, his eyes somehow brighter and a smile always on his lips, no matter how dire the circumstance.
She didn’t mind, even if she knew that her husband loved him back, in his own way. She didn’t worry, because she knew James loved her. There was no doubt about that.
Neither would ever act on their feelings. Maybe if she hadn’t been in the picture, it would be different.
Or maybe not.
Spending time with Lily always made Sirius happy. She was beautiful in the vibrant way that the Blacks were not and she burned brightly with an inner strength that was everything that his family was not.
James sometimes would watch his wife and his best friend together. He’d watch how his wife would laugh at Sirius – something she never used to do when they were younger – how he’d touch her hand and look deep into her eyes, how she had a special smile just for him. He knew that Sirius would never do anything to hurt him. He knew that Lily loved him.
But sometimes, late at night when Lily was out on a mission for the Order and he was in bed, all alone, sometimes late at night he couldn’t sleep.
He could just wonder.
And worry.
Azkaban was hell.
Dark…(He could hear them coming, not because their footsteps were loud but because as they trailed through the prison corridors, prisoners started to scream in their wake, so it would always start out as a low roar and grow until it was deafening mostly because by the time it reached him, he would start hearing Lily’s screams and James’ shouts almost as if he had actually been there until it got to the point where he could never remember if he had been there or if he had only seen their bodies afterwards and tried not to cry when James’ glasses were crushed under his heel in his haste to reach James’ body and wondered at how quickly Lily’s cheek could become colder than ice, colder than Azkaban.)
Cold… (Once he thought the house at Grimmauld Place was cold. Now he knew would never be warm.)
Loud… (The solitude, he could take, even though he hated to be alone, but the silence, o! the silence he would never get used to because the silence only meant death but never his own.)
Small… (His cell was four steps by three steps, or ten feet by seven feet if he went by his own feet and not wizard ones, nor even the Muggle ones that Lily once told him were different than real ones but rather by his own feet, but his cell was still a castle compared to when the Dementors came and there was no space around him except for his mind and his mind was everywhere and his mind was everything and his mind showed him their deaths.
Over.
And over.
And over again.)
For them, Sirius would do it again. He would gladly spend an eternity in hell if it meant one more hour he could spend with them. One more hour in which James and Lily had him. One more hour in which Lily and James were his.